Here's one I'm working on:
How to Live with a New Puppy
Prepare to be unprepared
to forget to do the basics (shower, stretch, breathe)
prepare to forget the pleasure of ironing a shirt and reading beneath a tree
prepare for dainty nails to rake your shins and seventh-octave barks to shatter the champagne flutes of your inner ear
prepare to be hung upside down and shaken like dice in a cup so that keys and coins fly out of your pockets, so that the beads of your girlhood necklace finally break free from their 50-year-old string and tumble to the unswept floor to mingle with bits of dried grass and kibbledust
prepare for everything to come loose, for words like lunch and sleep to become as abstract as infinity or world peace
prepare for even your teeth to unmoor and rattle to the fir floor, leaving you to gum the puppy’s silky ears like a newborn infant seeking love as much as sustenance with its warm, blind mouth.